Piece by Piece
Have you ever had one of those 500 piece puzzles that you just can't figure out? Many times I'll try to do the border first to give me a base. Once I conquer the border I try to put more of it together by attempting to match color groups.
My life the past 2 years has been just like a Jigsaw Puzzle. I've been putting it together Piece by Piece. So many "Ah Ha" moments. There are so many things I just never understood or even knew about my Congenital Hypothyroidism. My whole life I would wonder why I couldn't grasp things like the others in school or even as an adult in the work world. It was funny for a couple of my co-workers to watch me try to do one of those turn combination locks. They would laugh while I wanted to throw it.
The only thing about my Congenital Hypothyroidism I was ever told was to take your pill and get a blood test to have it checked. That was so far from the truth but I didn't know any better so I believed it. Having said that I also believed I was just an idiot constantly making poor decisions. I believed that I was just lazy and crazy.
All I wanted was to be able to keep up with my classmates as a school age kid. I wanted to be able to make a sports team and actually play. I wanted to be able to sit and do my homework so I could get better grades. Oh, to be able to wear the clothes the other girls could and to have a boyfriend like my friends did was always just a fantasy, school age boys didn't date the fat girl.
To be able to have a couple days that I felt good physically would have been a dream come true. For the longest time I had myself convinced I had a brain tumor because I always felt like I had a hang over. It just had to be a massive tumor that made that brain fog show up everyday.
As I became an adult if I had to take a class I would intentionally sit myself in the front of the class. This was my way of making sure I paid attention and would learn the material, it didn't work. What the HELL is wrong with me? Why can't I do this? Why is everything so hard for me? Why can't I be like everyone else? Maybe I really am just a loser who will end up living under a bridge all alone.
With all of these thoughts and feelings I became an insecure depressed person who would do anything to feel accepted and loved. Life became a constant struggle. Waking up in the morning at 7 and all I wanted was to go back to bed at 9, I couldn't remember anything, I became withdrawn and hid in my house alone for days. I wouldn't answer the phone or the door, I would cancel plans. Physically my heart was feeling weird, my face was so puffy and my vision was getting worse. The wort I have after so many attempts just wouldn't go away.
My behavior was out of control and the paranoia was ridiculous. Being single and recently having become an empty nester I had hit a place in life that was ugly to say the least. I was isolated, broke and felt just horrible. Me, my life and everything else hit rock bottom but I had been taking my thyroid pill and had my blood work done. So what is wrong with me?
Okay Kelley, it's time to admit you need help because you are going crazy like they said. Get a plan to get help before you end things or end up under that bridge. Reach out, ask for help or beg someone to listen and take you serious because you are in trouble. This life is not okay and you need to admit you're scared. Why won't anyone listen to me?
I've never been a quitter and I'm too afraid of death to end things so beg if you have to. Because I was so afraid to die and didn't want to hurt my children or God forbid dissappoint my family again the word NO wasn't going to work for me. Finally I found someone to listen to me, a young lovely lady physciatrist finally heard me. I believe from the bottom of my heart she saved my life.
Although I had been going to my doctor he had never done a full screening and my thyroid medications were completely wrong.
It has been a long road but as time goes by I'm putting the puzzle together and tring to rebuild my life at 51. I'm realizing I'm not the horrible low life I've been lead to believe. I'm a good person with a chronic illness that you can't see. I'm a person who has been abandon by people who I thought loved me. I'm a person who now has social anxiety because of the mistakes I made while my life was out of control. I'm a person who is scared everyday financially but determined to make it if it's one wreath or photo at a time. I'm a kind person who loves helping others. I'm a person with a sense of humor and some talents I didn't know I had. I'm a person who can see beyond the surface. I'm a person who doesn't quit and will some how make it. I'm a person who doesn't believe in the word "Quit" I'm A SURVIVOR of CONGENITAL HYPOTHYROIDISM who now understands the consequences of no diagnosis until the age of 8.
Yes, I'm a survivor of CONGENITAL HYPOTHYROIDISM and the horrible things it can do to your life. I'm not looking for pity or any handouts. I'm hoping to further educate myself and others about Thyroid Disease and the effects it can have.
Sometimes you need to hit rock bottom to lose the person you thought you were to become the person you are intended to be. My crash has lead me to find the things I am good at. I love taking pictures and creating new items out of old used items. Taking pictures of landscapes I would say is my favorite. That may explain the hundreds I have that can be purchased. We all have something we're good at so NEVER QUIT!!!!!